She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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