Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Boobs speak an international language.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
