Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
4 words: hood of his car
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
