don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
