Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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