She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
