I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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