woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize