I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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