I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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