I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
