I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
false alarm, still single
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
