woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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