mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
