the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
