Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
being pregnant is like rehab
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
