I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
