I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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