i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
