Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
