a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We need to feng shui this bitch.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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