Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
