and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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