I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Randomize
