Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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