her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
