Who wears a wallet chain?!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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