Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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