i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
