man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
