Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
