6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
