low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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