I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
