I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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