am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
