my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
