just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
