My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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