I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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