so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
