she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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