apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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