what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
