i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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