Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
