I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
