from now on my penis is your penis
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
