i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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