The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
