You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
