My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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