I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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