i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
