Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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